Strong Arms
I was so busy writing stories about my past. I was so busy thinking of other people that I almost forgot to write about the most important man in my life. Something tells me that this is the right time to write about him. To let others see and know how great he is and how forgiving and comforting his love for me.
I would like everyone to know and meet the Man...my confidant, my savior, the one who loves me unconditionally, my healer...meet my Jesus...
I used to have a perfect relationship with Him. I was serving Him with my heart and soul. I became so much in love with my Jesus. Trials came but nothing can surpass the love I felt because of Him. Serving my Jesus was not an easy road to take. Alongside, all evil came across but never did I had the chance of giving up. Instead, I hanged on and hold His hands even more. I enjoyed every bit of it. I enjoyed worshiping my Jesus and my God.
But, there came a time when I felt so lost. I felt that I have no one and I was alone. I questioned myself..."Where is my Jesus?". I was hurt. I felt abandoned. That was the time I gave up believing in Him. I gave in to different temptations. Wrong companion, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, slept with different men and all that. I felt that it was my only way out. Once in my life, people closest to me didn't know this but it all happened to me. I was writing it all here so I can free myself for everything that I went through.
One day and out of the blue. I heard this song again, " Strong Arms". I was stunned and I was just crying when I heard it. I was so ashamed of what I was doing. I came to realize that my Jesus never left me at all. He was there all this time but I was just so blinded by my misery and I forgot about Him. That day became my birthday. I was reborn and made all my mistakes right. I gave up everything again and just hold on to His promise of a new day for me.
All these happened when I left Davao and left my service in my YFC family. My struggles started when I have no one to cling on to. When no one reminded me of how beautiful life can be with Jesus as my guide. I came to realize that He allowed me to experience those trials to make me stronger and to prepare me for better things to come.
I kept that story of my life but it's about time to let it out so that others may be able to learn from the mistakes of my past. Now that I am healed. I became whole again and this time I don't feel alone anymore. I have the most beautiful gifts. I have my kids to make me strong and to constantly remind me how great my Jesus is.
Things may not be well at all times but now I am not afraid to face every trial that come my way. I have my Jesus...my constant STRONG ARMS...
Can't Take My Eyes Off You
Too good to be true. That's how my second relationship started. I met him through common friends again. It was my friend and his friend that should end up together but it was magic that it came to be us. We jived because of this song, "Can't Take My Eyes Off You". That started it all. We shared stories and enjoyed each others company. I thought again that this was it. I found the right one.
Naive as I was. It ended up on the wrong side again. It was funny that our relationship survived for several months all because of a lie. He hid so many things from me. Made up stories to impress me but God lead the way for me to see things clearly. That I was deceived by this man. I kept the relationship after he made his confessions. I forgave him and continued whatever we have started. We had fun times together. He made extra efforts to win my trust back. Maybe it was not enough because one day I just woke up and told myself that I should end this. I should make a stand that he was not meant for me. That our relationship was a mistake.
On the same day, we met. He told me about his ex-girlfriend whom he got pregnant. I listened and comforted him but not to his knowledge that I was going to break up with him. When he was done talking I just said to him..."Go back to her and have a good life. I can't stay here anymore. I'm tired".
That was the last day when I saw him. We had off and on communication before but all was hi's and hello's nothing more to it. It was just recently when we were able to talk again. Talked about what happened and learned that he did end up with his ex-girlfriend and now his wife. I was just saddened because he was not changed at all. Same old James. Pretending to be okay and making up stories again. It was funny because he thought that I believed him. For heaven's sake...I know the truth...
Whatever it was and whatever happened still we ended up as good friends. Laughing about the past. I'm glad as well to know that he did love me only that I didn't fight for our love. I gave up. That was because I was tired and fed up. He cried when I left because he thought that I'll be staying for keeps. Sorry but I was not the woman who can give this back to him.
Note to James:
Boss,
It was a fun experience having you as a part of me. I was hurt but you were forgiven. I have moved on but I am still hoping and praying that you do the same. Not that I meant move on from our past but move on and be real.
Your family loves you and your kids respect you. Live it at that. Be good and be loyal. Don't do anything to hurt them. I'm still a friend you know that.
Be strong.
In Your Eyes
I met this man way back 2001. We met through common friends. I thought I found the right one. It was my first serious relationship and I can consider my first love. Whew! "First Love" what a word? But it did work for me. I can never forget him. Maybe until the day I die. He will be a part of me.
There was no long courtship. We talked everyday on the phone. We exchanged emails and just that. Summer vacation came when I finally had my chance to go to Manila. Ooppss, this was a long distance relationship. I was in Davao and He was in Manila. I was in college while he was working. My Manila day came. We met. Oh! I remember! He brought me "sisig". He knew it was my favorite. While I was enjoying my vacation that was when we became closer and closer. Until one day he asked me if I can be his girl. Then, I said yes!
I was so happy. He made me feel extra special and so loved that made me fall for him even more. We had so many fun times together. I thought that was everything. I gave him all of me. He was my first in everything and I mean everything. But, the fairytale ended when I have to leave again to finish my studies. While away from him, I thought he can wait but it turned out to be the other way around.
I was preparing to see him again during our Semestral Break when I learned that he was seeing someone else. I knew it because suddenly he was so cold and even stopping me to go to Manila again. It was a shocking news for me. I thought my life ended at that moment. I can't even speak and say anything. All I did was to cry and hurt myself. I cant' find the answer why he did that to me. I was so lost. The time came when I had to face my fear. I went to Manila. Feeling so down and depressed.
On my first morning back in Manila, I saw him with his new girl passed by. They were holding hands and laughing. They didn't see me that time because I hid when I saw them but still my eyes were looking at them. My world crashed. I felt like screaming but I can't. I kept silent but crying inside.
After several weeks that I was in Manila, finally we talked. I asked him why he did that he just replied, " Kasi wala ka...". I can never forget the exact words he told me. Everytime I ask him the same question. He was giving me the same answer. From then on, we had an awful relationship. Sometimes we're okay but most of the time we can't stand the sight of each other.
It took me years to get over him. It took me years to even forgive and look at him straight in his eyes. It took me years to understand the reason why it all happened. It took me years to even forgive myself why it didn't turned out well for us. I am just glad things are better now. We may not be that close, at least, we don't fight anymore like we used to. Joffre will always have this special place in my heart because of him I learned how to open my doors and because of him I learned to be strong.
Notes to Joffre:
Jofz,
I may have not thank you enough for everything you have done to me. Be it good or bad. Be it a fun memory or not. What matters most was I learned from everything. We both have our lives now yet I am grateful that we still consider each other as friends like how we started. It was true that time heals all wounds and that's what exactly happened to me. I pray for your success and happiness always. I wish you well in life.
Thank you because IN YOUR EYES... I saw that once you loved me indeed.
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